October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, and today, October 15, is the day we remember our losses. At 7 pm across the country we all light candles in memory of our losses. I remember my dear friend Liz her story of Jedi is here : http://trisomyjourney.blogspot.com/. I remember a recent tragic loss where I was present as what is called a ‘bereavement” doula. For my friend whose sweet baby “paisley” was born still at just 18 weeks. (another blog post coming) I remember sweet Margaret whom passed away suddenly in Aug 2013.

I also remember MY babies…..I have lost 4 ….but this one was the most vivid..and I share it here because it was a twin loss, a miscarriage first then a eptopic rupture….

 April 20, 2004 I was in the early phase of what I thought was a miscarriage. I was about 11 weeks from conception. I knew from charting. I had seen a local pro life GYN and had a confirmed uterine pregnancy.I had went to see her because I had a lot of off and bleeding and finally had a Positive pregnancy test. She confirmed it was a uterine pregnancy.

The night of April 20 into the 21st is a blur to me.I remember nursing ethan to sleep and all his toddler antics and how I felt him lightly kick my right side near my hip. I remember feeling something odd, like a pop.  I remember bleeding and telling Ryan to keep an eye on me that I think I am losing our baby.I remember my right shoulder tip hurting . I remember getting up and down and going the toilet Because of the intense pain. I remember cold water falling on me, I remember being in the bedroom floor and ryan trying to get me up.I had passed out in the bedroom floor and apparently my glass of water fell on me.

The next morning still feeling a mess.I thought I had miscarried. I went in to see my holistic dr . We thought I was having a gall bladder attack. She had told me to go to Northside Hospital which was over an hour or more away because we were in N ga.

I wanted to go home first and feed the children. But ryan insisited we go now. So he drove me to the hospital.

I walked into the ER, telling them I thought I was having a gall bladder attack but had miscarried also. I was checked and recall them saying something about a rupture. They had offered me morphine but I refused and said I would keep doing my breathing. An ultrasound revealed that I had an ectopic rupture. I was bleeding out into my abdominal area which was why I was feeling the intense pain under my diaphram. I did not know at the time how serious it was. Later I was told I almost died. All I remember is I nursed Ethan and they wanted me in surgery but I was crying I couldnt leave him cause he needed to nurse to sleep…The last sound I remembered was hearing Ethan crying for me as I was being rushed away to surgery.

I am thankful that Ryan listened to that voice which I know was God that told him to get me to the hospital. The dr said if we had waited I would have died…

I never named my babies I still should…I also have 3 other babies in heaven I lost thru miscarriage….